Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.