Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
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I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.