A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
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The best plant holders?
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.