Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
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I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.