Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
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Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
love it when they get my name right