Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
You Might Also Like
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
TRAIN’S HERE
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Finished stitching this today 😇
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.