Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
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Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
…żyje?
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
This chloroform smells expensiv…
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
A ghost story
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.