Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
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My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.