a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
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imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Good morning, Twitter x
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness