If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
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When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Just me and my debit card against the world
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
*updates tinder bio*
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that