Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
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Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
6. me as a lawyer
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?