Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
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Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Our lord and savoury.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.