If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
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Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Festive toon…
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
hmm conte-me mais
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.