Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
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My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
we’re dead?
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Who says great literature is dead?
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Well, this explains it:
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Thursday
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Please do it!
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter