What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
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Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
real
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?