I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
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If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.