I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
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Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him