5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
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I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Favourite diary entry ever
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”