I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
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Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down