[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
You Might Also Like
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos