A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
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If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework