Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
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You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
this isn’t threatening at all
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.