JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
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BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes