My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
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when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.