When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
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Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?