The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
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My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]