I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
You Might Also Like
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Anime is real
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
had to share :’)
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!