ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
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If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee