“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
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[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once