“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
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I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I’m about to risk it all
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it