If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
You Might Also Like
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I am never leaving this website
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Friday
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”