23. the denim jacket
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ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
A collection of me turning into random objects.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”