Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.