“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
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People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
A double negative is a big no-no.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own