Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
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I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer