My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
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ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Print is alive and well!!!
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks