At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
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[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
The glory of fall.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.