I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
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When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend