I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
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I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Proctology is located in A55
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.