SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
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I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles