Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
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The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
This could be us… but you playing
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)