Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
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Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
New comic up. “Ransom”
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.