Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
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I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.