Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
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Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
what’s more important?
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.