(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
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It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter