I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
You Might Also Like
Good morning y’all ☀️
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
As the Lord intended
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
reduce, reuse, recycle
For anyone who needs this today
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?