I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
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grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?