No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
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If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.