6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
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Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?