Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
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My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I see your IQ test came back negative
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Des Moines Police having a normal one